Mama don't do drama...

In our family, while we place a high value on being confident enough to speak up for yourself when the need arises, we also place a high value on mercy, kindness and love. We strive to see and love people as we believe that Christ does, and the fact is that some folks require a little more effort in doing this than others.  

I have always held the belief that when it came time for my sweet, impressionable little girl to start creating friendships on her own that I would not "forbid" her to play with this or that child, but rather walk with her in teaching her to navigate difficult people and the situations that often come with befriending difficult people. It's preparation for the rest of her life.  

Doesn't that sound so smart?

I surely thought so, but I wasn't counting on first grade girl drama.

Oh, the drama! The kind of drama that my 6 year old started dealing with in first grade has been the kind of stuff that creates successful soap opera script writers and memorable Jerry Springer guests. Has anybody rocked their child in the quiet of the wee morning hours during those first few months of infancy and dreamed of how their sweet little angel would one day shake her finger as though there's something stuck on it at another human being, wagging their head around while strings of bleeped out obscenities pour out of her heavily painted face on national television? No one? Okay, so now you know why I had a change of heart. 

In kindergarten, Abby befriended a little girl who seemed perfectly fine, and she talked about her everyday. She never complained about arguing with this child, and I was so happy that she was having fun with other kids at school, and navigating the beginning of outside-of-the-home relationships with ease. 

But something happened with this little friend over the summer that changed their relationship the following school year. (We'll call this child "Sue" for the sake of simplicity and protecting this child.) 

Almost as soon as first grade began, the Sue drama started. Abby would come home crying because she couldn't make Sue happy. Abby is a people pleaser, and failing to please is just miserable for her. Sue would also forbid Abby to play with anyone else in the class, which sounded pretty typical of drama-heavy little girls, until Sue started using phrases like "you hate me," and "you just want me to be sad," and my favorites, "I wish I were dead/ never born." Sue would also hold her friendship status with Abby hostage to get her to do whatever she wanted, even when Abby was afraid for her own safety.

Whoa! I was not ready for this in first grade. I mean, seriously not ready.

Now, I need to make it clear that I made Abby's teacher aware of what Abby was telling me about Sue, and her teacher was aware of the situation, and was doing what she could to be fair and helpful, and in the interest of both girls. Obviously, my primary concern was for my own child, but working with children in the mental health field for four years made me sensitive to what may be going on with Sue as well. She is still a child, clearly seeking some kind of attention in all the wrong ways, and someone in her every day life needed to be aware of her outcry.

Once I had done my due diligence for Sue, what was I going to do about my own child? 

Have her change classes? No. They would still see each other on the playground every day.

Tell her not to talk to that child at all? No, but I seriously considered this one. That would hardly be the demonstration of love, mercy and kindness that we want to instill into her heart.

What started out as tears after school was turning into her echoing those same statements in our home to her brother and to me. There was a growing hatefulness and emotional manipulation that I had never seen in her before, and that we DO NOT encourage or condone in our home, and I knew where it was coming from. It was clear that she was too young to deal with this kind of friendship successfully, and that had me on high alert.

There was this internal struggle between the desire to "let" some things happen to her so that she can grow and learn, and the knowledge that she is still a very young child, and not quite developmentally ready to deal with the kind of tension and stress that highly manipulative friendships bring to the table.

So I prayed, I corrected, and took every opportunity to talk about how to be a friend. I told her about the girls that I was friends with all through life, and the way that we treated each other.

I told her about my childhood best friend, Rhonda. Rhonda and I met in first grade, and were glued at the hip for most of our young lives. Rhonda never told me that she wasn't going to be my friend because I did something that she didn't like, and the biggest argument that we ever had as children was about the existence of Santa Claus. (She was a firm believer, and I was not, which became a source of tension every December.)

Rhonda and I all ready to go to the Snowball Dance our senior year in high school.

 I told her about my girlfriends/ roommates in college that stuck with me even when I wasn't always there for them. The young women who loved me, and prayed for and with me, and encouraged me to grow in my relationship with God. I told her about how we believed in each other's dreams, and how they played a part in my becoming the wife and mother that I am now. 

Crystal, Amy & Stephanie in the front, and Amanda, myself & Alisha in the back after a reunion weekend a few years after college graduation. I love and miss these ladies so much!

Alisha, Jill, Joann, Stephanie, Crystal, myself & Amanda following Steph's Senior Recital. She's holding daisies because we corporately decided that they were her favorite flower, although she would have picked lilies. We were awesome friends like that. :)

And then I told her about the women that I am friends with now, and how we interact. I reminded her of how Miss Stephaney is so sweet and generous to our whole family, and will make the hour long trek to see us as often as possible. And also of Miss Kara and Mr. Justin, who love her and her brother to pieces, and who love our company almost as much as we love theirs. We've talked about Miss Michele and how she has always loved our family, and has invested in our dreams anytime the opportunity presents itself. We are blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives, that there have been opportunities to discuss healthy relationships at every turn. 

The point of telling her about these relationships is so that she not only sees those relationships, but also hears us acknowledge why they are good. I do not want her very first friendships to be so full of manipulation, guilt and selfishness that she begins to settle into the idea that that's how all relationships operate. My philosophy is this: If my children can learn how to have and identify healthy relationships in life, everything else will follow. 

They will have the confidence that they need to speak up for themselves in a respectful way because healthy people in their lives have made them feel that they are worth being heard.

They will know who and when to ask for help without fear of rejection or judgment because healthy relationships have taught them that true love and acceptance is unconditional.

The security that comes with healthy relationships will give them the space that they need to take leaps of faith because they are surrounded by those that believe in their dreams.

These are the kinds of things that I dream of for my sweet little fresh-faced girl. 

In the beginning of this post, I had stated that I had a change of heart in regards to forbidding my children to be friends with certain children, but I am happy to report that things have gotten better with Sue. Had they not gotten better, the solution to the problem would have resulted in a compete severing of the relationship in one way or another. I will never allow my kids to try to tread water for long periods of time when they are just learning to swim, and I will not allow them to remain in relationships that they are not ready to handle. There are still some issues with Sue from time to time, but no more tears.

After we started talking about what was going on with Sue on a regular basis, Abby started standing up for herself. When Sue would say, "If you want to be my friend, you will...", Abby would respond with, "If you were really my friend, you wouldn't ask me to do that." She started coming home and telling me about how she would talk with Sue about what it means to really be a friend, and that she would let Sue know that if she had never been born, Abby would be really sad. As much as I love seeing a great report card come walking through the door, this is the kind of thing that really makes this mama proud!

More Than Just A Job...

Being pushed around the house in a laundry basket train is on of our their favorite activities.

Being a stay-at-home mom has its fair share of perks and challenges. The greatest perk is job security. No one else wants to do what I do in my house, so if the laundry doesn't get touched for, oh, say, a week, I'm not going to get fired or written up. Life will move on, and I'll get to it when I get to it.

On the other hand, if I don't ever do the laundry, it REALLY won't get done. There is no delegating most of my responsibilities. There is no on call backup system in place for when I get sick or need a personal day. Perhaps when the kids get older, they can pick up some chores, but for right now, this is mostly a one woman show.

Allow me to stop the train right here for a moment to clarify that, yes, my husband also lives here, and yes, he could do a little more, but I, personally, don't ask that of him...often. He holds down jobs (plural) outside of our home, and works very hard all day long, just like me. When he has time off, I don't usually do anymore than is absolutely necessary so that we can spend that time together, and we wouldn't be able to spend that time together if he had to walk in the door and start yet another task. Yes, we may have to sometimes clear away a space on the couch to snuggle for the evening, and by the end of a weekend off we look like we're living in an episode of hoarders, but this is our home. Not a to-do list. We do a really good job of living in it. Anyone who doesn't like that...Tough. Noogies.

Back on track...

So yeah, I get crabby. I get resentful and negligent of my responsibilities when it feels like I'm up to my neck in dirty dishes, and demands for snack time and bath time and playtime, and the plumber needs to be called again, and the car is due for an oil change, and and and...

I have the right to be crabby, right? Right?

Well, no, actually. I don't. It doesn't mean that it won't happen anyway, but it's not my right to let my emotions rule my day.

A few days ago, the Lord brought this verse to my attention...again:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." -Colossians 3:23-24 NIV

I've read it a million times. I know this one. Got it. Moving on.

(Oh, how God must roll His eyes and sigh at me when I treat His Word in this way. Much the same way that I roll my eyes at my kids when they insist they know how to do something that I know they have not yet mastered.)

Tuckered out after a day at Dollywood.

As I was putting my son down for his nap this afternoon, he asked me to sit and sing to him before leaving the room. Sounds like a sweet little request, right? Well, I know better than that. What started out a few weeks ago as a sweet little request has become another way to delay the inevitable commencement of the afternoon nap. Sneaky little monkey.

I was feeling generous (not to mention that he's just so darn cute, sneaky monkey or not), so I sat down in the rocking chair beside his crib, and promised him one song. As I was choosing the most soothing song from our sleepy time repertoire, Colossians 3:23-24 came roaring into my mind.

God was telling me in the way that only He can, 

"Sing to him like it is the a job that I gave you to do...because in this moment, it is the job that I am giving you to do. And, please, do this for your son as though you care what I think."

That stung a bit, but in the very sweetest way.

I sang to him.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...

And when I sang to him, I felt joy that He notices, and that He cares. I felt joy knowing that I am not just doing a job that no one else wants to do, but I am doing the thing that He made me to do in this season of life. No one can do this the way that I can. If I'm really honest, this was the first time that I can remember truly being humbled that God would choose me to mother my two little turtles over anyone else in the world. 

Wow.

It's so easy to fall into self-pity when no one seems to see or notice what you do, day in and day out. But the truth is that God sees, and He wants to reward us for a job well done. For me, it is so much easier to find joy in the seemingly mundane when I know that it puts a smile upon my Daddy's face.

I don't ever want to forget this sweet correction from my Heavenly Father, but I no doubt will. Perhaps it will be the day that my little feller stuffs the toilet full of toilet paper...again.

Or when he tears apart my brand new bag of potting soil all over the deck.

Or when my little lady gets into my craft supplies and makes an irreparable mess of my yarn because she just wanted one little piece for her craft project. 

Or when she pushes a snowball into her brother's face just as I snap the picture.

It takes daily reminding that in raising, serving and investing in my children, these little treasures that He has given me stewardship over, it is for Him. He has wonderful plans and purposes for their lives, and He wants ME, of all people, to be the first on the ground to help prepare them for all that He has for them. The reality of that is enough to bring a person to their knees, as it well should.

Things my daughter taught me...

Anyone will tell you that having a child changes EVERYTHING!! When I was pregnant with my daughter, Adam and I talked frequently about everything that we wanted to teach her. Little did we know that she was formulating her own little list of things that she was going to teach us.

• We've learned that spending a lot of money to give her an elaborate birthday party was more for us than for her. She could care less.

• We've learned that presents are not nearly as much fun as the boxes that they come in.

• We've learned that, with the right kind of motivation, trips to the grocery store can be done within 20 minutes. (Screaming, ripping up the grocery list, and tearing the stylus off of the credit card machine at checkout are all considered motivation for short trips.)

• We've learned that we cannot force her to learn anything in our time. We plant the seeds and pray that they'll grow.

• We've learned that our schedule means nothing to her. We are her parents all of the time, and she needs us to take her into account when making plans week to week.

• We've learned that there is no limit to how much you can love someone that is selfish, beautiful, wonderful, loud, funny, obnoxious, and completely charming. I don't believe that either of us ever dreamed that we could have this kind of capacity for love.

Now that we're expecting another little "teacher" in September, we are talking about how we get to learn all of these things all over again. We also talk about what this is going to mean for our daughter, and some of the adjustments that she's going to have to make when she's no longer the only child in the house. Something tells me that class has only just begun.